"What does it look like?"
"I don't know."
"Well... How big is it?"
"I don't know."
"Well... What kind of place could it be in?"
"I don't know."
"What do you know?"
"I think I'ld know it if i saw it."
"Would you?"
"I don't know... What if I have seen it and I didn't know it. What if it was the chicken!" - Mirrormask
For a while, I've been on this whole "quest". Trying to find something. What you may ask, I don't know. I can't see it. I don't know what it looks like. How big it is. Where it is. How to find it. Or even if I'm meant to find it. I always here God has a bigger plan for me, but when is the plan going to be apparent to me. I'm just 17. I'm just an artist. I only suffer from borderline personality disorder. I just have trouble trusting people, or the right people that is. I only think a million miles an hour. I'm just that blunt girl. I'm just that girl that stands in a room of people who have hurt her and compartmentalizes all of her feelings. Still though, I'm on a quest. Not a journey, a quest. A journey will end eventually, and mostly back where you started. With a quest, I'll obtain something. Maybe I'll change. Hopefully.
It's not a case of "Is God real?" Because I've already went through that. The whole mindset of religion is a cult. It's not. It's just....what is God going to do with me. Quite frankly, I have no idea what he could do with me. I don't act like a "Jesus Freak" like some of my friends. I can't quote any Bible doctrine. I don't talk about church, except to get my friends to come with me. Half the time when I go to church, I can't even tell you the sermon because of spaced out on my current life in these current times.
This Post. My life. My art. My mind.
Who knows what it is.
I don't exactly know what this is meant for. Maybe me just getting stuff off my chest. Maybe so someone can tell me what I'm going to do and what I'm searching for.
And I just have this feeling, that since my grandfathers recent death, that I just find myself thinking of death. What really happens. But mostly I feel like I wouldn't be ready if I died today.
But for now, I'm stuck Searching For God Knows What.
